JUST WHAT IS THE OMINOUS HUM ? HMMMMMM?

THE OMINOUS HUM is issuing forth from every echoing piece of electronic equipment and vibrating tubular tantalizer that has ever been sold to you to bring you a World of Sound. [ROCK and ROLL is excluded from this particular list] You welcomed the World of Sound with open arms, and you sold your soul---at least you bet the life of your soul against the most tremendous odds possible.

Of course, your intent---to dance, dance, dance---is not worth the risk of sacrificing your RHYTHMIC SANITY (a term I personally excavated which means, basically; "Don't those freeking shoes HURT?") And if you can make it to the next level of what I will reluctantly call THE NEXT LEVEL, You have prospered (?) in the World of Sound. At least... that's what you have been led to believe. It is the Sound of Certainty that you have come to love as your blanket of comfort. Alas, there is no redeeming grace for the Chorus of Chaos that is being programmed into every tiny byte of digital digs you may have on hand. Even if you shut off all the energy to these sounds, you will discover that are more sounds that were lurking beneath the other sounds. ( No, it's not the refrigerator) These sounds are not so pleasant to you. They reek of havoc and inequity. These sounds are THE OMINOUS HUM that I so blithely rant about... damn, I'm ranting aren't I ? Well it's worth a rant or two.

Here are TEN EASY STEPS to becoming impervious to THE OMINOUS HUM in all it's insipid forms.

1) Never WATCH, LISTEN TO, or DUST your television. Plugging it in is inadvisable as well.

2) Don't believe everything you read, especially if it is something that you yourself wrote.

3) Never open mail addressed to "RESIDENT". Mr. Resident is pretty fed up with not receiving postal deliveries.

4) Never play music backwards. The hidden message: "skree-skree-rip-gouge" actually means "I BURIED PAUL'S DEAD HAMSTER".

5) Be on the lookout for CHEM-TRAILS. These white trails that spew from jets contain mind-altering frogs.

6) Whenever possible, insert pieces of Bubble-Yum in your ears. This will make things seem ridiculous, and, by and large, they are...

7) Keep your friends close---keep your enemies closer. Keep door-to-door salespersons thinking you're going to buy something---then DON'T.

8) When "social networking" be careful not to reveal your interests in anti-social topics such as; ant-stomping, baby-sniffing, spatula-licking, maple syrup-huffing, nail-biting (others' nails), or infomercial-addiction.

9) Never buy the NAME-BRAND product. You are simply paying extra for packaging, cost of commercials, paychecks for employees, and most likely lots of food for said employees children.

10) Don't take disturbing news with a "grain of salt". Too much sodium is bad for you, and it's also really salty.

If you feel better wearing a tin-foil hat, then by all means, please do. But keep in mind that this does nothing but keep your brain fresh a few hours longer.

I hope this information helps you in some way. It's helped me a lot. Then again, the mortar in my bricks has gotten fairly crumbly over the years, and I basically have nothing to build on.

MAX