But Wait! There's more! Call now, and you'll receive another lie of equal or greater value! That's two ridiculous misrepresentations
for the one-time price of $19.95, plus shipping, handling, shaking, x-raying, product substitution, and satisfaction simulation.


Not valid in any state. Employees and or relatives of employees or any cousin, friend, or US citizen are not eligible to participate in this offer, Offer void if outer obstructive wrapping is wrinkled or extensively fondled. No one under 18 years of age or above the legal age to complain will understand this. In case of a tie, a random drawing will be held excluding the initial winners and anyone who enjoyed themselves or spent more than 5 minutes trying to fill out the application. Applications will be on file for 6 months, after which time they will be deleted, and rewritten in Aramaic. Paranoia Weekly is a registered trademark of raincloud entertainment. All inquiries will be ignored if sent to our main offices at 1000 Maximus Blvd, Raleigh NC. This event is based upon fictional places and characters. Any resemblance to real or fictional nouns is purely coincidental, if not plagiarism. Service hours are Monday through Friday 9 AM to 3 PM, except on especially humid days. No pets allowed. No overnight guests without the express written permission of a priest or rabbi. No artificial sweeteners beyond this point. 12 servings per carton. Warning: The surgeon general has determined that paranoia stems from the subconscious, therefore anything said or interpreted by anyone claiming to be "way normal" will hitherto be forsaken. Not responsible for articles of clothing which burst into flames when exposed to fire. Wash hands before each use. Shake well and stumble. Batteries not required or expected in lieu of flowers or otherwise sympathetic symbolism. Visit our website at ParanoiaWeekly.com. Mix packet with croutons. Shake needlessly for 3 minutes. Uncover brain and simmer at intervals. Please turns lights off after ingesting tainted pork chops. If pork is unavailable, disregard menu and return to front office unfiltered. Please wait to be heated. Hostess will blame you, please do not return gunfire. Contest may appear closer than it actually is the nearer you are to it.

Maxed-Out