~ PUMPKIN TREE APPARENT RIP-OFF ~

I did everything the pamphlet told me to do. I watered it... I gave it sunshine and healthy doses of personal warmth. I played  music to it and always spoke to it in a positive manner. However... 3 years and numerous wishes later, that pumpkin tree hadn't offered up a single piece of evidence that it was even a pumpkin tree at all! Why, it may as well have been a watermelon tree, for as many of those as it bloomed my way.

Over the years, I grew weary of the yearly hunt for the perfect pumpkin. One that had a nice shape and color, and yes, even personality plays a factor. No one enjoys angry pumpkins. Typically you only see happy pumpkins for sale. Halloween ushers in pumpkin season, and it's around then we find ourselves being emmersed in pumpkin-based sights and delights. Carvings, drawings, and all those great pumpkin jokes(there have to be some??) resurface around this time of year. Thanksgiving sees the utilization of the pumpkin in many fine foods. I like pumpkin pies. I also like sweet potato pies. Anyone with some info on how to tell the difference between a sweet potato pie and a pumpkin pie, even after biting into it--please email this knowledge to a grateful author here!

But I digress. The focus here is the very confounding tale of the pumpkin tree--that special little sapling that I so loved, or so I tried!

Well... this travelin' fellow sold me this here pumpkin tree a few years back, and he said "I guarantee it will probably  work". His "guarantee" was probably not based on any sort of fact. But he had kids in the car, and I felt sorry for them (they were sharing an Ipod, for goodness' sake... and so, I bought one of them little pumpkin trees. $ 12.95, but that included a fine red, plastic container and the ultimately useless pumpkin-pamphlet.

It took a year and a half for the plant to even produce a leaf. It may have not been a leaf at all, but could have been some sort of exotic pumpkin-fungus. At age three-ish, the poor thing was about ten feet tall, skinny, not too bushy, but robust and it began producing these sticky, sweet-smelling flowers. its leaves were dark green and jagged. But not a pumpkin, or anything remotely squash-ish was apparent. I had high hopes the summer sun would reward me with a fine pumpkin. I was very let down, and that August I finally gave up on it, and tossed it on a debris-fire I had going. So, I got rid of the "impotent" pumpkin tree... It was really green, and it took it a while to really flame on. But it got going, and boy, it was really smoky. But hell, it was on fire, after all. I thought how funny fire was sometimes. I also noticed a really funny mustard stain on my shirt. Apparently I was actually emotionally attached to that tree. I felt a bit sad, so perhaps to overcompensate, I started to laugh--at something---It sounded like someone else laughing. They were laughing exactly the way I would laugh, if faced with humor or bondage-tickling...

For some reason, burning that pumpkin tree was extremely hilarious. As I stood there gazing at the blaze, mourning possible future pumpkins, I was suddenly overcome with that uncontrollable laughter. "Pumpkin"... did I SAY that, or did I THINK it? Or did my stomach grumble it audibly? Did you ever notice how trees, illuminated by flickering flames, seem to have faces? Funny faces, and quirky hats too... Like, I saw my Uncle Carl Bob in the tree-reflections of the dancing embers. He was trying to say something to me. "Ice cream" was the only thing that came to me. I found it too funny that my Uncle Carl Bob, 13 years dead, seemed only to want to dance, and he wriggled all in the treetops, his sheer deadness protecting him from the savage heat, and probably enhancing his casual levitation. Carl Bob started laughing too, and we found that the more we laughed---well---the more we laughed.

I miss my pumpkin tree, even though it never produced a single pumpkin, not even a pumpkin-bud. The day I burned it is kind of fuzzy in my mind. But torching stuff can wear you out... I woke up four hours later in the spare-room on the futon with a plastic bowl stuck to my face, in a pool of something sticky, which smelled totally like chocolate ice-cream.
Well, I suppose the moral of this fantastic tale might be---BUYER BEWARE---or... "Don't count your pumpkins before they exist". That kind of shit will drive you out of your gourd. I hope folks have better luck with these things than I do ~

Max Raincloud

SECRET-AGENT BUGS THAT WOULD SCARE JAMES BOND, BUT HE REALLY WOULDN'T CARE : (he'd be shaken, but not stirred)

As if we didn't have enough to worry about, there is yet another threat to our security which few have stumbled upon. I am one of those stumblers. That threat now manifests itself as GIANT INSECTs ! Stop just a few seconds and then continue. Did you picture some gnarly bug crawling across the ground ? Sure you did. But there are some not quite so ordinary big scary bugs making their debut as of late. It may have been early, depending on your time-zone. These awesome arthropods do a lot more than crawl across the ground or hop among the cornstalks and weeds! James Bond would be impressed if he knew what new gadgets are available to practically anyone who can find a Radio Shack.

Recent inconsistent studies have shown that many of your average GIANT INSECTS may or may not be robotic drones that are being designed to carry everything from secret-video-thingies to dirty bombs, but probably aren't, if you want to choose sides. Actually, at any given moment in this country there are upwards of 500 active insect-drones engaged in unlawful spying and indeed, they are the first contact which leads to the final sweep, the take-down which awaits the unsuspecting perpetrator. What is typically perpetrated is admittedly, a complete mystery to me. Probably, it concerns national security, but don't quote, record, make note of, or hold me to that. IT ALWAYS concerns tons of cash. I base this not on fact, but on sheer misrepresentation of some stuff I barely remember reading, dreaming, or seeing etched on a cave-wall, or even hearing about. This for me is proof enough.

Some of the GIANT INSECTs that are on the move can mimmick friendly GIANT INSECTs. They may offer to refill your drink, or to cook you a fine meal. But once they have rid your house of all batteries (they are allergic to batteries, go figure) they will either drop a really dirty bomb in your closet, or record everything you say and do, and send it to the CIA for them to laugh about. You can't clean a dirty bomb, and you can't keep the CIA from laughing. You can throw them off a little by making strange submarine beeps into your lamps, which are probably bugged, literally, but eventually they will either wise-up or start dropping depth-charges.

GIANT INSECTs are tamed and regarded as pets in some parts of the world. They can learn to do all sorts of things, like turning on a faucet or fluffing your pillows for you.. But that's what's really so scary about the GIANT INSECTs. You can't tell a drone from a real one.

Technology is gross sometimes. What they do, and by "they" I mean I have no idea who it is ... what they do is they scrape out part of the GIANT INSECT'S brain, and replace it with nano-technology based surveillance gear or even something as simple as a drone programmed to surreptitiously eat all your Cornflakes at night, undetected, so as to slowly drive you insane wondering. But they scrape out the brains and put in the machines, creating armies of cyborg-sects. And the remote control to all these auto-sects will never be found in anyone's couch cushions.

This is breaking news, so It all may be erroneous, or manufactured out of boredom by someone I see a complete reverse of frequently. Smoke and mirrors is how "they" do it, so I too am trying to reflect on some smoldering stuff that you can choose to believe, but are best advised not to.

Two words: BUG SPRAY

But Wait! There's more! Call now, and you'll receive another lie of equal or greater value! That's two ridiculous misrepresentations
for the one-time price of $19.95, plus shipping, handling, shaking, x-raying, product substitution, and satisfaction simulation.


Not valid in any state. Employees and or relatives of employees or any cousin, friend, or US citizen are not eligible to participate in this offer, Offer void if outer obstructive wrapping is wrinkled or extensively fondled. No one under 18 years of age or above the legal age to complain will understand this. In case of a tie, a random drawing will be held excluding the initial winners and anyone who enjoyed themselves or spent more than 5 minutes trying to fill out the application. Applications will be on file for 6 months, after which time they will be deleted, and rewritten in Aramaic. Paranoia Weekly is a registered trademark of raincloud entertainment. All inquiries will be ignored if sent to our main offices at 1000 Maximus Blvd, Raleigh NC. This event is based upon fictional places and characters. Any resemblance to real or fictional nouns is purely coincidental, if not plagiarism. Service hours are Monday through Friday 9 AM to 3 PM, except on especially humid days. No pets allowed. No overnight guests without the express written permission of a priest or rabbi. No artificial sweeteners beyond this point. 12 servings per carton. Warning: The surgeon general has determined that paranoia stems from the subconscious, therefore anything said or interpreted by anyone claiming to be "way normal" will hitherto be forsaken. Not responsible for articles of clothing which burst into flames when exposed to fire. Wash hands before each use. Shake well and stumble. Batteries not required or expected in lieu of flowers or otherwise sympathetic symbolism. Visit our website at ParanoiaWeekly.com. Mix packet with croutons. Shake needlessly for 3 minutes. Uncover brain and simmer at intervals. Please turns lights off after ingesting tainted pork chops. If pork is unavailable, disregard menu and return to front office unfiltered. Please wait to be heated. Hostess will blame you, please do not return gunfire. Contest may appear closer than it actually is the nearer you are to it.

Maxed-Out

Citizen wants Personal Bailout - Also wants Clear Conscience

I guess it's no secret that nearly 210 % of Americans are unable to buy choice meats and non-generic items much anymore. I suspect something like that ole Economic Downturn. Yes, that is the simple truth behind many of our woes. The minute they turned the economy down, we heard all that disturbing background noise. We heard that lame-bankers who lost lots of money got bonuses for their inconceivable idiocy in making the banks fail. Folks, they made the BANKS fail! If I fail my vehicle inspection next week do you think I'll get a bonus for that failure? I am going to guess "no".

So now the Federal Gov't goes ahead and offers up finance reform to bolster some rig-a-ma-rag they are spewing which sounds like the truth at first, but on review exposes a multitude of fallacies. I don't know what they are, you know. I am pretty sure they aren't any type of SCUBA gear, though. It's likely another fancy word for LIES, or a kind of desert that you really crave, and you leave the gun and take the fallacies...

I think I found a loophole, but unfortunately it's made of rope. I can see light at the end of the tunnel, but as I come closer, I see that it's a homeless dude warming his hands over a can of Sterno.

All I want is to be considered for an emergency financial blankie in the form of money I don't deserve and will vanish like a boo-boo in a hurricane. I want my Personal bailout, but I think that this can they handed me is for nothing more than a "bail out the boat" maneuver.

And the YOU-KNOW-S has got me all worried about a few hundred bucks. The guy in the penthouse gets new furnishings, while folks like me get penalties, interest, and probably some nasty looks. Free of charge, of course ~

NASA/JPL Witholding Evidence of of ETs and How to make Cool Things Float...

Ever since Captain James T. Kirk uttered those immortal words... "You're making light of me because I am bipedal..." Beings across this Universe have come to know one thing thing: Funny is Funny. Conversely, certain things which certain beings may find "funny" may have terrible connotations for other beings. Just to be safe, most species have learned to think twice before calling someone else's mother a potato-sucker.

I recall an Antillion that threw an unsuspecting Qualdinite into a turbo-slicer for sitting on the Antillion's mother. In all honestly, the lady looked like a sofa~but it just goes to show you~ one being's crate of goo could just happen to be another's, well, ummm... crate-grandmother.

TO BADLY GO WHERE NO ONE HAS GONE BEFORE... OR SINCE...

~maximus

WAY TO GO EINSTEIN

It isn't a total waste of time to remind everyone of the inevitable. The earth's poles have begun their cyclic shift, as Einstein et al, entertained this concept as very possible if not likely.

Look into this. There will be a lot of increase in the turbulence upon this planet, and it will be sooner than later.

If, as many have theorized, a sudden pole shift occurred, this would align with many prophecies in that such a change would definitely reshape major portions of earth. I am currently advising people who live along the coasts of the world to either sell their homes, or flee to an inland locale well ahead of that ominous date of dates:Dec 21, 2012

The Great White Bloat

This just in: Rush Limbaugh is fairly crude. I have it on the best authority that the fat guy is finally cooking in his own grease. He is a very mean guy, and I seem to not like him at this point in history. He isn't doing so well in geography, either. He scares small children and pets, and even some conscious people of average age and height. He is opposed to health care reform because he is so strung out on Oxycontin, and his current insurance pays for either the methadone or the Oxy's, depending on which stage of recovery he is in at a given time of the calendar year. Maybe a guy doesn't necessarily think that any kind of reform would be better than the kickbacks he's getting back from the big drug companies now, if that is indeed what is going on. That would explain why someone is so against being nice and having reasonable prices for most folks. This man is simply against anything that resembles helping someone. And of course, this dude's helping himself to a big slice of the pie, and doesn't want anyone else to get a crumb.

Some people know that Limbarf is a licensed pilot. Few recall that in the summer of 1993, Rush Limbaugh was reported missing after failing to land at a Florida airport. Three days later, a remarkably thin Limbaugh came forward and dashed the hopes of several liberals. What people forget is that this person was never proven to be the real Limbaugh, and may I point to his early broadcasts about prison and how the format of his show changed after that? The one thing that authorities never seemed to care to inform the public about was where is the jet plane that he was supposed to have gotten lost in? The American people never got the facts on that. Granted, no one cared, but still, it begs the question: how can a guy get away with such misrepresentation? It truly boggles the mind, if not the entire central nervous system.

The extreme-right, bloated, radio fear-jock is pushing the envelope with his comments regarding NOT donating money to the Haiti earthquake disaster. But what has got to be noticed by even scared old ladies, and even more scared racists and social terrorists is this guy's out-of-sync sensibilities. Cancels itself out when nobody on the side of reason raises their voice in protest. The general constituency of the far right is held accountable for this line of thinking, when, by virtue of absolution through lack of protest, they show their silent support of such rancid ramblings. In other words, by not condemning the putrid words of the hatemonger-er, they stand as guilty as the assassin, not for providing the gun, but for allowing the loaded weapon to be tossed about carelessly.

Granted, it is very entertaining watching stupid people follow other stupid people into dead ends. But after a while, you get tired of watching the moths fly into the fire. You begin to wince when you hear their tiny wings sizzle. You smell the dusky aroma of death as it encircles each innocent insect. You want to scream, but the town's too small, "Have mercy."

Also, Mr Limbaugh stands convicted of playing some sort of "race card" and as you see, he is a dirty dealer. He is the one dividing us up into shades and hues. He's the man that is fanning the flames of idiocy, as they spread from one idiot to the next, eventually reaching too far, and running out of lies to catch fire and scare people with. Racism is simply fear of a specific thing, typically something unknown or misunderstood. If racism is fear, then is fear racism? In this case, the case of the bumbling Limbaugh, the answer is a resounding Yes!

I will never achieve such notoriaty as this whale of a man. I am doomed to a life of obscurity so miserable that the likes of Limbaugh will never even have the chance to make fun of it, because he will never induldge me on my quest for enlightenment. I don't care. If one person reads this and stops to think twice about screwing somebody else over, then my work has been well done. That's what it all boils down to. Greed, to a great degree, is the status quo amongst the well-to-do. I believe people have the right to get rich far beyond their needs, but I also think that if a person is blessed with a good life, it is their moral responsibility to do what the can for those less fortunate.

Limbaugh is dependant upon his legions of lemmings to trust that what he says is the truth, and that he is the voice of reason. But anyone with half the sense of the guy that's speaking can easily see that everything he says is going to be of a negative nature.

A few weeks ago, Rush Limbabble had to go to the hospital for unknown reasons. Upon leaving the hospital, again for unknown reasons, this mental-vacuum of a man said something to the effect that his experience at the place was proof that the health care system was in fine shape. He seems to lose me here. I'm pretty sure that the debate over health care has been about its availability and cost, its fairness and its accessibility to the average citizen. NOT the quality of it, you bloated fool! I am really not falling for that crap. But, you see, a lot of people are falling for this type of misrepresentation.

So now the AM radio golden-boy, the conservative's conservative... he's telling people not to give money to any charity that he hasn't personally approved, such as the White House's official Help Haiti site. He's really just doing everything he can to disagree with Obama. I imagine this is how the conversation would go:

Obama: "Black."
Rush: "White."
Obama: "White."
Rush: "Whiter."

Well, anyway, use your imagination. It's painfully obvious that Limbaggle's main aim is to toss wrenches into Obama's gears at every turn.

I had no idea this is what today's article would be about. I don't listen to Rush Limblittle's show. I get a lot of this news from the rather left of center media that I currently allow into my mental domicile. Bloat-Boy seems to make news regularly with his selfish ideas. I hear this crap whether I am into it or not, apparently. I take it as a dire warning of some sort. So, anyone who likes this guy, Limpdope, is as desperate as he is. But in times of desperation, it's the desperate people who get the goods. That is unless some bigshot radio guy tells people to not give, in which case your desperate people will get nothing.

George W. Bush has signed on with Obama, along with Clinton and just about everyone else, to call attention to the terrible situation in Haiti. Has anyone told Cigar-Boy about this? Would he condone such a thing from another hardcore right-winger? Isn't Bush, like, a right-winger? As you can see, Limbpooper has selective-criticism. He is totally dead-set on lying to his audience, and it's sad commentary that there is great number of people that give creedence to anything this guy claims is the truth, indeed it's sad that he has so many people hanging on his every word.

Limbpimple could be the Antichrist. Think about it. Mark of the beast? "Ditto". Head wound? Stay tuned... no, I don't think he's the Antichrist. The Antichrist will be someone with half a brain. Revelation had no mention of cigars, although it is a wide-held belief of many theologians that if there is a hell, there would be a lot of cigar smoke there. If you want to really go off the deep-end, anyone could be the Antichrist, but that's a degree of paranoia that even I cannot fathom. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the Antichrist, and that's all that really matters--to me, anyway.

G W Bush Act Back On The Road

DON'T FORGET WHO SCREWED YOU...

I'm liable not to have very fond memories of the eight years that passed prior to Obama being elected president. I have done nothing lately, and this includes research, but there are some people who are busy as all get out. One of these people is Dick Cheney. This rotund, former head-dwarf is currently found on all television outlets either selling the current administration short, or selling ceiling fans to short people. Many of us are aware that the former vice-president is doing this. Still, others see him often, but typically turn the channel, even if there is no TV in the room. Even an unsurprisingly smaller number of citizens confuse Cheney with Mikhail Gorbachev. It is no coincidence that Cheney's daughter, Liz is ignored even more than her bloated father. A quick review of the two Cheneys' criticisms of Obama typically results in dire boredom and unexplained coma.

Still, as bad as all that is, I would still give the prize to Cheney's former boss, G W Bush. All of a sudden, Bush is making a conscious effort to thwart the memories of regular, level-headed folks, and some air-traffic controllers. I hope he is truly sincere, and that if there is a god, that he will do what no one else will do for him--forgive him. Here we see the former Head Idiot speaking of doing something humanitarian, and climbing into an airplane headed to Haiti. Speaking of after-shocks, even Bush's greatest admirers would laugh at the notion of a giant fissure opening up in the earth and devouring the ex-president up.

I am of the belief that people can too easily forget the past. I've spent the good part of my day trying not to regurgitate, after seeing Obama share the podium with Bush, and of course Clinton was there. But all Clinton really wanted was something to stand behind, because it's a known fact that when this guy gets within 200 feet of the White House, he takes his pants off, just in case.

But I am beating around the Bush. That's what the media has been doing for a year now. No mention of G W Bush for nearly a year, and suddenly he's handing out water and condoms in Haiti. So, I am immediately suspicious of anyone who shows Bush in any good light at all or anyone who unintentionally laughs with him, and not at him.

This is the man that put the word "nu-cyu-ler" on every Jihadist's wish list. This is the guy that attacked an entire country by mistake. This dude is responsible for the entire planet hating us for again making torture an option, and for allowing his cohorts to dip their beaks in the golden well of America's coffers. This is the guy that was one pretzel-choke away from handing the United States to a guy who has more heart problems than a flaming case of valentines.

I'm hoping that people won't start thinking this guy, G W Bush, has seen the error of his ways. Remember this is the same person who said, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

In my haste to say something bad about Bush, I almost forgot that there is really nothing good to say about him. So, I have dead-ended again, though I know these words may come back to haunt me. So far though, only only one spooky thing has happened, and it's been widely under-reported, but Cheney was seen feasting from a mass grave. When asked what more could a cannibal ask for, he was heard to reply, "Salt."

I rest my case, in spite of the fact that I write such things in spite of the facts. I guess I could have saved you and me a lot of time by refraining from sharing this contrite entry in my blog. It is not, however, my wish or responsibility that you enjoy or do not enjoy being led to believe something might actually be gained from indulging me on my quest. The search for enlightenment has tossed me upon many shores.

But Wait! There's more! Call now, and you'll receive another lie of equal or greater value! That's two ridiculous misrepresentations for the one-time price of $19.95, plus shipping, handling, shaking, x-raying, product substitution, and satisfaction simulation. Not valid in any state. Employees and or relatives of employees or any cousin, friend, or US citizen are not eligible to participate in this offer, Offer void if outer obstructive wrapping is wrinkled or extensively fondled. No one under 18 years of age or above the legal age to complain will understand this. In case of a tie, a random drawing will be held excluding the initial winners and anyone who enjoyed themselves or spent more than 5 minutes trying to fill out the application. Applications will be on file for 6 months, after which time they will be deleted, and rewritten in Aramaic. Paranoia Weekly is a registered trademark of raincloud entertainment. All inquiries will be ignored if sent to our main offices at 1000 Maximus Blvd, Raleigh NC. This event is based upon fictional places and characters. Any resemblance to real or fictional nouns is purely coincidental, if not plagiarism. Service hours are Monday through Friday 9 AM to 3 PM, except on especially humid days. No pets allowed. No overnight guests without the express written permission of a priest or rabbi. No artificial sweeteners beyond this point. 12 servings per carton. Warning: The surgeon general has determined that paranoia stems from the subconscious, therefore anything said or interpreted by anyone claiming to be "way normal" will hitherto be forsaken. Not responsible for articles of clothing which burst into flames when exposed to fire. Wash hands before each use. Shake well and stumble. Batteries not required or expected in lieu of flowers or otherwise sympathetic symbolism. Visit our website at ParanoiaWeekly.com. Mix packet with croutons. Shake needlessly for 3 minutes. Uncover brain and simmer at intervals. Please turns lights off after ingesting tainted pork chops. If pork is unavailable, disregard menu and return to front office unfiltered. Please wait to be heated. Hostess will blame you, please do not return gunfire. Contest may appear closer than it actually is the nearer you are to it.

Dick Cheney really, really is way out-of-line. He is saying that Obama is "giving aid and comfort" to the enemy. He says that the trial of that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will "put him on the map". I think that perhaps he got on the map right about sometime shortly after the 9/11 tragedies. That an outgoing Vice President is doing everything he can to belittle his Commander In Chief isn't helping in any way whatsoever, DICK ! This guy needs to stick to what he's good at: lying, scaring people, starting wars, and torture !

By the way, Obama and Cheney are actually kin to eachother.

He accuses Obama of treason ! He calls him radical ! How, Dick, is this helping the world respect America more? Rodney Dangerfield got more respect than Dick gives the president.

I am sort of on-the-fence about the trial of this guy being totally public, since he is a terrorist, and perhaps it should be a military tribunal to handle this task. Cheney had this guy waterboarded 183 times ! Word has it that Joe Biden has been auctioning off strange torture devices on Ebay that were found in Dick Cheney's dungeon when they found the trap-door. They are not happy looking devices.

But on the other hand, people need to have a sense of closure. It was thousands of people affected directly, besides those who lost their lives, and it can't be forgotten that there are thousands of citizens who believe in the justice system, and want to see it done right. If that guy is tried and convicted under American law, that will show the world that we mean business, and we believe in our constitution, and American values.

Cheney is making a fool of himself, and I think maybe he is trying to tweak his legacy. History will be harsh on Dick the Disasterous ... I personally think he should be not allowed to be ... what's that word he used ? ... Proseletizing ! He is doing the very thing that he predicts someone else will do. He's a canned ham. Who the heck keeps letting him out of the can? Fox News seems to be on Cheney's side. What does that tell you ? It tells you there are too many hams to fit into the can !

I hereby charge Dick Cheney with treason. He is undermining the efforts of our leaders. I am with you on the free-speech thing, but somebody needs to shove a miniature Statue of Liberty down this guy's throat or something. If given the opportunity I would speak directly to Cheney, but he would probably just shoot me in the face.

Brother Speaks Out For Other Brother

All of the old-world Policia… the Gestapo… the Third Reich… they are gone, right? The Mafioso; The Communists… the tsars and the despot kings of olde… Gone… right? Attila… dead! This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius… The Age of Enlightenment… a thousand years of peace… right? Shangri-La… What’s so funny ‘bout peace love and understanding ? (ala N. Lowe) How can there still be a group of bony old men, slinking around in large, dark rooms full of electronic eyes and hidden ears… watching the world on their giant screens, stalking us, plotting to control, to dominate, to subjugate, to rule over us like the despots of old. Just where are all those corrupt old f*cks? Is J. Edgar still alive? Is Nixon’s head speaking to us from a jar? Has Kennedy’s pickled brain been hot wired directly into Deep Blue’s mainframe? Is Dick Cheney buying future ocean-front lots hundreds of miles inland… so that he can sell the properties when global warming raises the oceans 315 ft, world-wide… (in about 800 years)? Is Elvis (the stuffed version) really on display in a middle-eastern trading post, on the edge on the Omani Desert? Did Elvis really die sitting on the toilet? Do fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches make your upper lip curl and sneer (I know it does mine)? I wonder if Tiger Wood’s penis pays for rental space while he is on road trips? Tiger says most of the girls were waitresses and he only tipped them. Still, I bet it’s fun being Wood’s wood… I’m straying, but let me repeat… The world may be regressing back to the days of (?) (pick a long dark period in history and go with it)… I will not be afraid to call Nixon and Elvis out and expose the yellow-green underbelly of systematic mass psycho-social reconditioning… (GLAZing: Geo Linear Awareness Zonking) huh? It’s always good to have ex-presidents and (mostly) dead crooners to herald as two prime examples of man’s pinnacle incarnations, come to save the world. But we know better… “…and we‘ll not get fooled again!” (ala, P. Townsend). Peace, then… m

RESPONSE FROM MAX:

I can understand exactly where you're coming from, M ... It's like critiquing someone's choice of music, and telling which of their CDs suck the most. I have no illusion that, by and large, life is filled with illusions. This table in front of me is perhaps not real. But it is real enough to put a good dent in me head if I choose to slam my head on it ... again.

It sickens me, and also makes me queasy-minded that this deal about Tiger Woods even stands next to news about the war, or some pro-public-option commercials. Maybe the feller shouldn't have gotten married if his loins were still requiring more blood than his brains. Maybe he should have stuck with his wedding vows instead of engaging in illicit activities with other than his wife, the mother of his children. Maybe a whole lot of us don't really reciprocate that idea, Tiger. We need you to tell what shoes and cars to buy ! Way to go Tiger !

Here's how it went, maybe : Tiger woods was having an affair with a waitress, say ... One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. Tiger hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied,"I'm having an affair with a waitress ! We had sex all afternoon. "She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Or maybe ... Tiger was was lying there dying, see ? His wife sat at the bedside. Tiger looked up and said weakly, "I have something I need to confess." "That's not necessary, " his wife said. "No," he demanded, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother !" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work.

Tiger guy goes to his doctor's office and tells the doctor, “Doc, I got a BAD SITUATION. Every time I see a good-looking girl, my putter busts out of my pants !” The doctor tells him to wear two pairs of underwear and come back if it doesn't work. The next day Tiger goes back to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that it didn't work. So the doctor tells Tiger that he needs to wear three pairs of underwear and two pairs of pants. So the man decides to try one more time, but the next day he went back to the doctor and says it still doesn't work, so the doctor gives the guy a metal jock strap. The next day the doctor reads the morning paper headline, “WOMAN HIT BY METAL OBJECT -- MAN ESCAPES ON HAIRY GOLF CLUB !”

So all that is pretty important compared to wars and a significant amount of other unimportant things, like health care reform. I hate to be one to complain, brother, but I think a LOT of people WILL be fooled again. If they'll follow the likes of Sarah Palin around, they'll fall for ANYthing ...
You're right the things that are in question are as innumerable as the stars ...

MAX

remember: BUSH CAUSED THE RECESSION ! remember?

I cannot blink, do you have some Visine ?

LEFT HAND DISCOVERS WHAT RIGHT HAND HAS BEEN DOING

I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news, but I think that in the next few years, something really sinister is going to happen. I'm fairly certain, due to poor research and memory loss, that some kind of WORLD DOMINATION thing is finally going to be tried. And it's the greedy, selfish people on this planet wielding the whips, and locking the chains on the doors. They have the laughter in a can, and they are saving it for when the BIG MOVE is made. I have evidence neither to the affirmative or the contrary, so I am going to wing it, and go with the most impossible scenario, which is proof enough for me....................... (This blog is not allowing to do the new paragraph).......... There is little known about the [go to this link to delve ---> ] ONE-WORLDERS as a whole. They play chess games with real people as the pawns, and their kings and queens don't ever seem to get captured. They leave office and go on tour; high speaking fee.................................. Wouldn't that be a great job -- going somewhere, bullshitting into a mic for an hour, and getting thousands of dollars [ Dane Cook notwithstanding]. It's hard to relate. I might only hope for people who are paid NOT to speak, sometimes. An example of this is unavailable........................Yeah, something's brewing. Fortunately for us all, I am typically wrong about these things, Of course there's always that chance I could be right by mistake. I will look further into the matter as soon as I get as interested in this anomaly as I was when I started this entry.

Entomophobia on the Rise and Rightly So ... Read more below, let us know what you think

As if we didn't have enough to worry about, there is yet another threat to our security which few have stumbled upon. I am one of those stumblers. That threat now manifests itself as GIANT INSECTs ! Stop just a few seconds and then continue. Did you picture some gnarly bug crawling across the ground ? Sure you did. But there are some not quite so ordinary big scary bugs making their debut as of late. It may have been early, depending on your time-zone. These awesome arthropods do a lot more than crawl across the ground or hop among the cornstalks and weeds !



Recent inconsistent studies have shown that many of your average GIANT INSECTs may or may not be robotic drones that are being designed to carry everything from video to dirty bombs, but probably aren't, if you want to choose sides. Actually, at any given moment in this country there are upwards of 500 active insect-drones engaged in unlawful spying and indeed, they are the first contact which leads to the final sweep, the takedown which awaits the unsuspecting perpetrator. What is typically perpetrated is admittedly, a complete mystery to me. I base this not on fact, but on sheer misrepresentation of some stuff I barely remember reading, or hearing about. This for me is proof enough.

Some of the GIANT INSECTs that are on the move can mimmick friendly GIANT INSECTs. They may offer to refill your drink, or to cook you a fine meal. But once they have rid your house of all batteries (they are allergic to batteries, go figure) they will either drop a really dirty bomb in your closet, or record everything you say and do, and send it to the CIA for them to laugh about. You can't clean a dirty bomb, and you can't keep the CIA from laughing.

GIANT INSECTs are tamed and regarded as pets in some parts of the world. They can learn to do all sorts of things, like turning on a faucet or fluffing your pillows for you.. But that's what's really so scary about the GIANT INSECTs. You can't tell a drone from a real one.

Technology is gross sometimes. What they do, and by "they" I mean I have no idea who it is ... what they do is they scrape out part of the GIANT INSECT's brain, and replace it with nano-technology based surveilance gear or even something as simple as a drone programmed to surreptitiously eat all your Cornflakes at night, undetected, so as to slowly drive you insane wondering. But they scrape out the brains and put in the machines, creating armies of cyborg-sects. And the remote control to all these auto-sects will never be found in anyone's couch cushions.

This is breaking news, so It all may be erroneous, or manufactured out of boredom by someone I see a complete reverse of frequently. Smoke and mirrors is how "they" do it, so I too am trying to reflect on some smoldering stuff that you can choose to believe, but are best advised not to.

Two words: BUG SPRAY

MAXIMUS

Obama plays it as dealt, but what about the CIA?

I listened to President Obama's Address to the Nation last night. 30,000 more troops to go into Afghanistan. Obama has dared to put a timeline, of sorts, on withdrawal from that country; 18 months. So that puts the war there in reverse at about June or so of 2011. Good luck, is all I gotta say.

We aren't getting the full story. There is a secret war going on, and we ain't gettin' no reports on this baby. Our old friends, the CIA, are again up to their mobster tactics in Pakistan, and they have been digging in just as deep as the jihadists they are intent on killing.

Look, we may have had a chance to get Osama bin Laden and a good number of his terror-teams at the battle at Tora bora, eight years ago -- but George Bush and Dick Cheney blew it. And don't forget about good old Donnie Rumsfeld. He was some sort of bully, or bulldog for the BUSH/CHENEY regime that made sure there was plenty of stuff to keep on warring about, so that there would be plenty of work for all those contractors and subsidiaries of Halliburton and many other companies that profit from the machinations of war. See, that's what they did in Iraq. They manufactured a war and then hired their own companies to make the billions off the contracts. What gives when there is a private contractor hired to protect the professionally trained soldiers from harm? No one knows. Only the the devil and his poisonous posse'...

I also am a bit offset by the idea that we are still considering this aiding another country when we know that country's leader was elected under questionable circumstances.

Also complicating things is the fact that, face it ... Afghanistan is where all the pretty poppies grow. And the rest of the world likes those pretty flowering plants so much that castles are burned, wars are waged, and people are killed for its cursed yield. For Pete's sake, the brother of the president is rather suspected of being involved in the most massive drug-trade ever in the world.

This all ties in with the sense of forboding I feel about the eventual World-Government I have often blogged about. Please pause to remember that this is what this blog is all about. Not True Paranoia, but rather an alertness of spirit and quickness of action that makes some difference, because you fear the consequences of NOT doing something good about the situation. There is a larger plan at work. Don't be afraid to upset the plan. The main and so far most effective weapon of the emerging One Government World remains the same; good old homegrown fear. The one and only thing they themselves fear is TRUTH, and we must expose them at every turn to reach that dire destination: THE TRUTH ...

But Obama has been handed a bucket of fishheads and been commanded to feed the masses with it. Well, he's just a guy. A guy anyone could just walk right up to and say "Hello", much as those two jokers who did just that at the state-dinner. Obama can't just leave things as BUSH and CHENEY left them, in short, leave them f****ed with no protection or goodbye kiss at the end of the war. So we go to war, out of fear. We can reason that FEAR is pretty damned good motivation.

I am listening to the people that spew this stuff out and call it news. It's nothing new. We must all realize that, as important as the financial crisis, health-crisis, and wars-at-hand are, it is VERY important for the entire world to know just what the hell Tiger Woods is up to. We must fear for the Tiger now.

The CIA has a long history of starting shit in other countries that begin to show the least bit of true equality amongst its citizens. Have you ever heard of the Banana Republic ? This is a region where great amounts of fruits and goods and bananas and such are plentiful. A young man was elected democratically, this was back in the late 1940's, and began to return parcels of the country to its former owners, and take them away from the barons and lords who had taken them through aggression, murder, and yes ... good ol' Mr Fear.
Check into it. The CIA has a lengthy resume' of colorful, adventurous murder and mayhem.

So Obama didn't seem to make any mention of the CIA and what they are up to in that border region there between Pakistan and Afghanistan. That's a real fuzzy line for a war, in my opinion.

In the end, I guess what I got out of the president's speech last night wasn't all that enlightening. And of course it can't be. It's gone too far, it HAS to remain a secret, and Obama only truly found that out when he got in there and put on the ringmaster's hat. We aren't going to hear about the CIA in all this, and Obama HAS to keep playing the game, it is too complicated to go back to regulation ball now. So we will have more corruption being cultivated right there beside the poppies.

I think ... History tends to repeat itself because we are not listening

These and other secrets have me secretly planning things...

MAXIMUS

Why won't Cheney STFU ?

This guy is never going to die, or go away. Dick Cheney continues to make his ex-Darth-Vader-like attempts at undermining the current administration [cbs.com.] He says that Obama is showing "weakness". Great. Thanks a lot, Dick Cheney. Dick is being, basically at this point, a traitor to this country. He speaks of befalling the people that run this country, and this from a guy that was, somewhat recently, in fact, one heartbeat away from being the very guy he keeps trying to jinx !

It is unbecoming, and unstatesman-like. I wish he would not continue the "BASH OBAMA TOUR" that he seems to be on, unofficially, of course.

So you have it like this: Cheney says that America looks "weak" to other countries because Obama is doing harsh, and terrible, almost unspeakable acts, such as when he bowed to the President of Japan... oh, my god, what was he thinking ?

Well, I think Cheney is just all mad at everyone for rejecting the policies of the CHENEY/BUSH free-for-all. Here he boldly stands criticizing someone else whose job it is to run things, and you know he has ill feelings about the wholesale ridicule he and his cohorts have to hear about.

When asked did he think that focusing on the war in Iraq instead of concentrating on the other war in Afghanistan was why the whole Afgnanistan thing is so screwed-up, he actually said "I basically don't".

I basically don't think that Cheney gives a flying s**t about America. He is a selfish warlord, and he's guilty of more than war-crimes. He is intent on hopping across this great country of ours and committing what amounts to POLITICAL-BLASPHEMY.

These and other sins have me losing count, but fortunately, i don't count on losing...


MAXIMUS

LEAVE TIGER ALONE : a plea to THE MEDIA

It is laughable that I have even chosen to write about such a thing as THE MEDIA actually ignoring a story about a famous person who did something that is usually reserved for the less perfect amongst us.

Are you like me ? Do you think we ought not be spreading gossip about a person and trying to use this distorted information to cast judgment at the most and sordid speculation at the least ?

So, Tiger Woods ran his car into a tree or something, and it is rumored that his wife was swinging a golf club ( what else ? ) at the scene, and it's the stuff the tabloids are made of.

Consider: You have a disturbance of some kind at your residence where you live in privacy behind those things called walls. You even have some walls outside your home, because this is the level of privacy that you have chosen to have. This disturbance, only called that because it is briefly in the public, but still quite near to where the private area is, is this commotion really a whole lot of people's business ?

Perhaps there was a traffic law broken. It falls to the hands of the police to investigate that area of interest. But who in the hell finds this of such importance that it stands side-by-side with evening news stories about war, corruption, and a health care system that just might need a kind of big overhaul ?

To me it is ludicrous. I have had some disturbances at my private residence. They may have been good sounding to the people they disturbed, or they have been open to speculation, and perhaps it seemed like something may have been amiss. It did not fall to my neighbors to judge, and in fact, I believe they did not.

Would you give you neighbor a break ? Last year, my next door neighbor, a good tenth of a mile away, had a very loud and obnoxious party. I am sure they had heard us weeks before when we too had a similar loud and obnoxious party. At their party, there came a time when it sound as though there may have been a "disturbance". Screw it, it's their damned business !

Well ... what gives people such a thrill out of seeing something bad happen to someone else, and it isn't enough to just hear about it, it has to be a major news story and fodder for the rooting pigs of THE MEDIA and their drooling, snail-slime trail of "GOTCHA" or whatever they call that game they play.

Seriously. I am disappointed, as usual, in THE MEDIA. It is past time that people realize that these newspapers and radio-shows and the TEE VEE are in the control of something bigger than the 220 million of us.

Do yourself a favor and get your news off the internet and cross-check the info you think you may have encountered but you want to make sure before you start drooling on the TEE VEE remote.

Thumbs down again to the crying baby, THE MEDIA, who needs to suckle at the breast of something that is none of their freaking business.

WHAT'S GOING TO OCCUR ? IT'S ALL A BLUR

What in the world is WRONG with some people ?

I am not the least bit concerned about all these people going crazy over this situation.

These things really show just how little progress a damn lot of people have achieved.

danger lurks ahead ...

Maximus

THE OMINOUS HUM is ...

PERHAPS I wasn't really clear about what the OMINOUS HUM really IS ... It's the sum total of all the really bad scenarios actually coming to fruition in this world. It is the FACT that there is a WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY to place the entire planet under ONE government, and it is NOT a government that is by, for, of, or any other preposition the PEOPLE. Oil is running out. This is exactly why all the major players, the Super-Powers, are now strategically placed at the hub of oil-dom, the Middle East.

CHEER UP !! I don't dwell on this stuff. That reminds me, I need some mushrooms for the spaghetti tonight ...

THESE and other chain-reactions have me reacting strangely, which is normal for me ...

MAXIMUS

note: if you look very awkwardly at the above picture, you will see a clown's head made of the smoke -MR

UN-CHENEY MY HEART

THIS whirlwind tour that Dickhead Cheney is on now is more nauseating than 3 candied-apples and a Tilt-A-Whirl ... I believe Cheney's tin-foil hat has been peirced by meteors and possibly a large comet.

On this day in 2001, Cheney was interviewed by Tim Russert . He was as tricky then as he is now, but he now seems to think that people are actually on this banana boat with him. But they are not on the boat. They would rather swim with the sharks.

THIS is a very interesting "youtooby" thing, if you have 6 minutes to spare. Actually this video will make the hair stand up on the back of your neck, and then make supper for worms and silverfish ... ummm ... sorry ..

Cheney needs to back off. He is actually apparently trying to ward off some sort of prosecution of individuals who lied and mislead the American people for monetary gain, and for "reasons" that are all LIES. WMDs come to mind ...

NOW, Cheney's out there saying the Attorney General shouldn't delve into matters best left alone. This is very similar to the Kennedy brothers, Jack and Bobby, who screwed with the mob, and the resulting mob-hits against them. Obama needs to wear Kevlar ... this is some serious sh*t . He and Eric Holder, the Top law guy ... are really pushing it, because what IS the CIA but a bunch of mobsters? They operate OUT of range of the law.

And it's all about real-estate and gold, people. Damn ...

these and other hits have me hitting the pavement

Maximus